The Sought After Words
by Paperblank
Summary: Sequel of "The Long Awaited Confession". Shindou's secret about Sai has been revealed to Touya. His reaction freaked out both Shindou and himself. What happens after a confession?
1. The Morning After Prologue

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. Please don't tell me I'm going to have to hand out cookies for reviews.**

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**The Morning After Prologue**

I wake up with the first rays of light filtering through the shutters of an unknown hotel room. My head feels like exploding any moment now and I am queasy. I grunt unhappily and my tongue feels thick in my mouth. _'Where am I and what am I doing here?'_ Even thinking on my current situation is generating a _literally_ mind-blowing headache. I open my eyes partway and don't distinguish anything familiar. I am lying on a bed, over the covers. I am still dressed. I suppose I need a few more minutes for assessing my predicament.

"Good morning, sunshine!" The cheery, loud and derisive voice of Shindou is causing me to moan in pain as my skull is pierced by this sound like by a thousand arrows. I can barely see him sitting on the edge of the second twin single bed adorning the room. "Time to wake up, sleepyhead!" I can't help but wonder why he is so sarcastic and uncaring when I am obviously ill.

"Come on" he said in a lower voice, "you need to drink a glass or two of water and take some aspirin. Or you're gonna have a terrible hangover all day." He holds a glass out to me and hands me a couple of pills.

"Aspirin? Hangover? About what…? What?" I am suddenly worried that I might be seriously sick as I cannot utter a simple coherent question. I take the glass and the pills, and swallow them in a few sips. I try to speak again, but I can only croak some words. "Hangover? What?"

"Touya, at the moment, you're completely pathetic. Please, go back to sleep and we'll talk again when you feel better. Don't worry about the train tickets; I went to the station to swap them. Don't worry about your go students either; I called the Go institute to let them know that you're not available. Everything is being rescheduled. Everything is gonna be just fine." I can hear the strain in Shindou's voice beneath the usual buoyancy. "Just go back to sleep for now, okay?"

The moment I close my eyes, I feel a great relief flooding me and drift into a dreamless slumber.

I open my eyes to the sound of Shindou flicking through the TV channels. I feel a lot better. I even remember where we are – Innoshima – and what we have come here to do – Shindou confessing about who Sai is, or should I say was, and his relation with him. I don't find ghosts' stories entertaining, but this one was true and special. To Shindou. And to me. His sincerity and openness with me has alleviated my heart. We truly are best friends.

"Howdy," he calls out. "Did I wake you up with the television? Sorry about that, I was getting a bit bored, but I can totally turn it off if you want to sleep some more, you know, it's not like I want to watch TV, I was just…" He is blathering. He is blushing. _'What is going on here?'_ I think it is time to get up and find out.

"What happened, Shindou?" I go straight to the point. No use in beating about the bush.

"You mean you don't remember?" Shindou looks absolutely horrified at the notion.

"It was about May the fifth… We went to Innoshima together because I won our last official game. You told me about Sai while we were sitting on Shuusaku Honinbou's grave. You told me how he appeared to you when you were twelve and had no idea what go was. You told me it was him who played against me the first two times we played and how he taught you after that because you wanted me to chase you and not him. You told me that…" I pause here, as I know his feeling of loss has not healed yet. "… that you felt guilty you didn't let him play more and didn't listen to him when he said he was going to disappear." A frown creases Shindou's forehead. I fear he doubts that I trust him on telling me the truth, so I carry on. "And I believe you. It is the only explanation that makes sense. It is almost what I told you two or three years ago when we played our first official match; do you remember?"

"Don't you remember something else?" He is still scowling.

"No." I am thoroughly confused. We haven't talk about anything else. Just Shindou's great secret. "Should I?"

"Touya…" He is treading on carefully. "Touya, you left me at the cemetery without saying a word. You came back to the hotel room alone. And when I arrived, you had gulped down eleven small bottles of sake and you were drunk…"

"Come again?" I am incredulous and sceptical.

"You were drunk… and you said you loved me…" He is averting his eyes.

"Excuse me?" I feel my face grow hot and red.

"… and then you kissed me… on the lips…" He is blushing and looks utterly embarrassed.

"WHAT?" I shout. I drop the pretence of coolness and civility at hearing those words. This must be some sick joke of Shindou's. It must be, because there is no way I actually confessed last night because I was drunk. Even I don't know if there is anything to confess. For good measure, I squeal in a much lower voice. "What are you talking about?"

"… then you passed out…" He concludes.


	2. The Return to Tokyo

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. Cookies, anyone?**

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**The R****eturn to Tokyo**

We board the train for Tokyo in silence. I can see Touya is feeling self-conscious and dispirited. He has promised me he doesn't remember a thing about what happened after he left the Ishikiri graveyard. Furthermore, he has assured me he doesn't harbour secret feelings for me and doesn't consider me as boyfriend material. Because he is not into boys. That conversation has been for the most part awkward and painful. I know I am not the most tactful person in the world; but witnessing the hurt on Touya's face as I asked him questions has made me think I am thoughtless and inconsiderate.

I get my magnetic goban out of my backpack.

"A game?" I suggest. Go is a neutral ground. Go is not about feelings or emotions. Go is the anchor of our rivalry and nothing else.

"Sure." He gives me a small lopsided smile.

"Can I be black? I want to try something out…" It has been a long time since I did anything original or groundbreaking against Touya. I want to use the occasion to improve and to refine my techniques against someone who knows how to fight against them. I play the first move at tengen.

"Are you doing me the honour of one of Yashirou's move?" It is more a teasing than a gibe. Yashirou has been the third board on our team in the Hokuto Cup, more than two years ago. During the preliminaries and the qualifying matches, he had the propensity to come up with some weird moves which could work like a wonder – or to be frank, be a total disaster.

"Indeed I am." I answer with a mock formality which makes him chortle.

We play for an hour. We are so concentrated upon the goban that the world around us doesn't exist anymore. The game is the only fad we focus on. I steal a glance at Touya every so often. I am comforted and thankful to find him unchanged from his old self. _'This is a good thing; I like it better when he smiles.'_ Of course, him smiling means me getting creamed. Not that I care today.

"I resign. Thanks for the game. Do you mind if I am black again and try out something else?" I ask.

"Another of Yashirou's opening moves? Fine. But this time, can I ask questions while we play? I want to know more about Sai…"

We begin to play slowly, as I describe at the same time my life with Sai and narrate various incidents or funny anecdotes about our life together. Touya is a bit dubious when I explain that Sai could be at the same time an excellent mentor, a loyal friend, an angry sound-alike shrew when provoked and a childish, whiny, clinging fellow. I tell him there was so much to Sai that a return trip from the Hiroshima area wasn't going to cover it all.

"We'll talk at length later, I swear…" I say when our train arrives in Tokyo. "I don't know where or when yet, but we'll figure it out, right?"

"Why don't we go to your house now, Shindou? I mean, you've met my parents, but I've never met yours. That's the perfect circumstance and we can talk without fear of being overheard." I suddenly imagine polite, perfect Touya meeting my mother and grins widely.

"You know what? That's a brilliant idea!" I reply.

We take the underground railway to the suburbs of Tokyo, dragging our luggage behind us and arriving unexpectedly at my parents' house's door. My mother is baffled to meet the _'famous'_ Touya Akira and a little frazzled. I suspect she has made the most of my absence to clean the whole house with a very thorough method: picking up everything I left behind me and throwing it in my bedroom without looking inside. I admit that my bedroom can be considered a bit of a pandemonium. I pile up Jump magazines, old kifu, video games and, well, everything I own without putting it into order. _'Please, don't let him mind the mess.'_

"Show your guest to your room, Hikaru. I'll bring you both some tea and snacks shortly." My mother is still the same old practical mother I know.

Touya blushes and bows. "I thank you for welcoming me in your house. I appreciate your hospitality and for putting up with me at such short notice." My mother flushes at the formality she isn't accustomed to.

"Mom, we're going now." I say, walking briskly to the staircase.

"Shindou, don't be rude to your mother! You have no manners…" I snigger at that repetitive comment and motion for him to follow me. He shakes his head to hide a cute beaming grin. _'Cute?'_

Once in my bedroom, Touya makes the expected statement of my lack of orderliness. We make ourselves comfortable and talk about go, about Sai and about upcoming games until it is time for him to go home. The previous uneasiness is forgotten and I am glad about it. As I walk him back to the door, I clear my throat.

"Touya…"

"Don't worry, Shindou. I'll keep your secret well." His uncanny ability to read my mind amazes me. But then, that's why we are best friends.


	3. Friends and Foes

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. Cookies will make you fat, reviews won't.**

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**Friends and Foes**

My life goes back to the nice and steady routine I've been accustomed to since I became a go pro. I am already so busy with games, study groups, shidougo and the likes that I am glad I decided not to go to high school. Though, now I think about it, I am going to turn nineteen in a few months, so even Touya has graduated from high school this spring. I don't know how he did it.

It is Saturday and a bunch of us – former insei and Morishita-sensei's students – meet at Waya's for a study group. Today, there are not many of us: Waya, Isumi, Saeki, Ochi and Honda; that's six people including me.

We decide to play some sort of mini-tournament for fun. After all, it's nearly summer and we deserve some relaxation, though we try to avoid any excessive laid-back attitude. I'm playing Saeki in the first round, Waya is playing Honda and Isumi Ochi. I like Saeki 6-Dan; despite the fact that he's an adult – was already an adult when I joined Morishita-sensei's study group when I was thirteen – he is even-tempered, easy to talk to and he smiles a lot. After nigiri, I am white. Though I am bit disappointed not to be able to test my new openings, I play a good game. My invasion of the right upper corner of the goban is going well and Saeki sighs before resigning. Honda surprisingly overcomes Waya, but Isumi gets the better of Ochi. That's when we realise we can't have a second round because our numbers are now uneven. Unfazed, we choose to review the three games and to switch the pairings afterwards. I am in great shape and win my three games: Saeki, Isumi then Honda. I feel great.

A few hours later, all the games are played and reviewed; Honda and Ochi decide to go home, but Waya, Isumi, Saeki and I are famished. As usual, there is nothing edible in Waya's fridge. _'Just like the previous thousand times. Boy, what a surprise!'_ Saeki is feeling generous and decides to treat us to an early dinner in a sushi restaurant to celebrate his recent promotion to 6-Dan. I try to advocate for ramen but my friends simply tune me out. After asking Saeki's approval, I call Touya from my cell phone to invite him to join us in the restaurant. As expected, I get chided by Waya who doesn't want to hang out with who he calls _'the go prodigy'_.

"Get used to it, Waya. He's my friend and I want him here." I answer.

After my comment, the conversation strikes up on the theme of friendship and holidays. It seems everyone knows I went with Touya in the Hiroshima area a few weeks ago. And everyone wants to know why, particularly Waya who wonders what I did with _'this lousy guy'._

"We sort of went on vacation. We wanted to go to Innoshima and visit Torajirou's… I mean Shuusaku Honinbou's grave and his memorial. It was nothing fancy…" I explain.

Isumi is flabbergasted and asks innocently: "Didn't you go there when you were fifteen too? During your string of forfeited games?"

Saeki interjects. "Is that so interesting? Why didn't you ask us to tag along too?"

I stay silent for a moment, sipping my green tea, trying to collect my thoughts. I cannot imagine a valid reason for not inviting them in the first place. Waya stares at me. He isn't usually very discerning, but he must have some sort of radar when it comes to Touya because he is more perceptive than usual. He asks me about what happened in Innoshima and why we were gone for two full days when one was enough.

"We would have gone back sooner, but Touya got drunk and was nursing a terrible headache…" I stop talking when I realise what I am saying. _'Way to put my foot in my mouth.'_

"I can't imagine Touya getting drunk." Isumi says sceptically.

"Come on, Shindou, spill the beans. What really happened when you were out there?" Waya asks again, cocking his eyebrow.

"N-Nothing really… it was sort of an a-accident…" I am stuttering. I am unable to change the subject or to ignore the question. "H-He sort of k-kissed me." It was scarcely more than a whisper.

Touya opens the door of the restaurant and prepares himself to greet his fellow go professionals and his best friend. None of them has seen him yet. He takes a step to move towards them, when he hears the irritating voice of Waya, ranting about something. It doesn't take him long to understand that the young man is talking about him.

"Gosh, I knew it! I knew he was a homo!" He cried out. "You have to stop spending all of your time with him, Shindou, or he's going to foul you up or contaminate you! I am telling you that as a real friend; it's so obvious when you look at him, with his sleek bangs, he's a fag. And kissing you without asking? Because he didn't ask, did he? That whey-faced son of a bitch…"

Waya howls in mirth, while Isumi and Saeki chuckles politely. I laugh uneasily. Touya moves back, an empty look in his eyes. He has heard enough, he has seen enough. Shindou laughing with his friends, mocking him, insulting him. He turns away and leaves quickly without making his presence known.

"Oh, close your mouth, Waya; you don't know what you're talking about." I protest in the end. "I'm going home…" And with these words, I leave the table and its occupants.


	4. Games of Go

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. Anyone has a witty comment about cookies that I could use ?**

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**Games of Go**

The series of oteai games begin again. We, go professionals, will play against one another once or twice a month for the remaining months of summer and fall in the hope of accruing enough victories to achieve a dan promotion. I am only a 3-Dan go player, whereas Touya is already 5-Dan. Even Waya and Ochi have accumulated enough victories to obtain their 4-Dan promotion. I am a little behind because of those months more than three years ago when the most imperative issue in my life was to find Sai and bring him back to me.

I am not worried about the gap between me and my friends. We play together often enough for me to know that we are equals. The rank in go is less important than the skill, the determination and the keen knack to play. I am a very dedicated player and I intend to win today. My opponent is Mashiba, who – in spite of being successful in the pro exam a year before me – is still 3-Dan, like myself. I don't like him at all. I remember thinking the first time we met at the Young Lions' Cup when I was still an insei _'What a pompous ass he seems, with his suit and tie'_. Moreover, I discovered later that he really was an ass when he made disparaging remarks to Isumi after losing against him. I will win today.

Touya is playing today too. We haven't spoken in a while.

I am skimming through the formalities distractingly. "Nigiri." I am black. "Onegaishimasu." I play my first black stone in 5-5; it is but another small trick I learned from Yashirou, when we played the qualifying match for the Hokuto Cup. I hear Mashiba huff, but I couldn't care less.

I look at Touya. I am studying his face. I am not close, sitting two rows beside him, but here I am, studying the face of my rival and friend. He looks cold and bored, exactly the way he is when playing go with a weaker adversary. He is playing against Tsujioka 4-Dan, not a match for him. I wonder if he knows how intimidating it is to be scrutinized by his unwavering and unforgiving green eyes. I pity the poor Tsujioka. Touya doesn't blink once while his opponent take a white stone, falters, bows his head and says in a low voice "I resign". "Thank you for the game" Touya replies dryly. I wonder if he does this on purpose. I am still studying his face and can't help a shudder. His solemn features with his long black hair are handsome. _'Handsome? I am not thinking clearly.'_

Turning back to my own goban, I sigh. I am going to win whether Mashiba decides to pursue the game – I have calculated, I win by four and a half moku – or to resign. I secretly wish he resigns, so I can try having a few words with Touya if he is still there. Out of habit, I let my fan flap against my goke to underline my impatience. Resignation is now unlikely considering the murderous glare of Mashiba. He puffs up with pride and decides to continue. _'What a shame…'_ I am not in a charitable mood and after an excellent yose, I win by six and a half moku. I have however lost the opportunity to speak to my raven-haired rival. _'Maybe next time. Or maybe I'll drop unexpectedly by his father's go salon.'_

Weeks go by and I have the lingering feeling that Touya is avoiding me. Every time we have a go game on the same day, he crushes his opponent quickly and mercilessly, so that he doesn't have to talk to me. Or at least, that's what it looks like. He never waits for me to finish my game before leaving the premises of the Go institute. He looks away and never pronounces a word when our paths cross. He all but deserts his father's go salon or is never present when I go there. He is definitively avoiding me.

At last, at the beginning of September, I receive a card from the Go federation scheduling a game between me and Touya for the September the twentieth. _'A good omen, perhaps.' _On the planned date, I arrive early and settle myself in front the goban. Touya waits until the last minute to show up, impeding all possibility of talk. "Nigiri, please." I have white. "Onegaishimasu." The game is played quickly. Touya overpowers me swiftly. "Thank you for the game." He isn't looking at me at all and seems completely uninterested. He stands up and goes into the corridor. I cannot let him go away like this.

Lost in his own thoughts, it takes Touya a few seconds to make the connection between the warm feeling in his open hand and the fact that I have grabbed it to prevent him to disappear on me once again. He jolts and jerks angrily his hand away from mine.

"Why are you doing this to me, Touya? Why are you ignoring me every chance you get? I thought we were best friends… Why won't you play with me anymore or talk to me anymore or spend time with me anymore?" I know I am begging, but I am getting desperate. Touya really is my best friend and I want him back. I am beseeching him and don't care if I look pitiful, as long as he comes back to me.

He looks at me and snorts. _'How unlike Touya to behave like this…'_ He gives me a cheerless and hurtful smile.

"Aren't you afraid you are going to be labelled a _homo_ if you spend some of your precious time with me?" He hissed. "Your _real_ friends might not want to hang out with you anymore if you spend time with the notorious_ fag_ I am." He is being coarse and deliberately uses the same words Waya jeered at him with. I am appalled to think he heard that particular discussion.

"Damn, is this what it is about? Gods, Touya, you know Waya is an idiot! I don't care what he said!" I am shouting but it is a lot grimmer than our usual shouting matches concerning our go games.

"You were laughing with them, Shindou! You were laughing at me! How dare you allege that I am your best friend when you were so disrespectful of me?"

"I am sorry, Touya! I'm sorry; this is all a huge misunderstanding! I swear I was not mocking you. I shouldn't have laughed, I'm sorry. I apologise!" I am pleading. "Touya, this is not a joke to me, you really are my best friend!" He doesn't answer and I am fraught with anxiety. "Please, Touya." My voice is breaking and low. "Please, don't leave me."

I am stunned by my own words. I am entreating Touya to stay with me, to not leave me. _'Where the hell did that come from?'_

Touya nods slightly, looks me in the eyes and soothes my mind with a single word. "Okay."

He turns away, pauses, whirls around to face me and adds with a grudging hint of a smile. "By the way … Happy birthday, Shindou."


	5. Talking to a Girl

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. I now officially hate cookies and any other kind of sweets that are not getting me reviews.**

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**Talking to a girl**

The more I think about these past few months, the less I understand what has happened and how events has gone to this point.

I try to consider things from a rational point of view. I am certain Touya is not gay. I am in fact much sure that his kiss in Innoshima was an accident. _'But what about the fact he said he loves me?'_ I am convinced that, even if he is gay, he is absolutely not attracted to me. _'But what about the day his lips brushed against my ear while he was telling me he would go with me in Innoshima?'_ I am positive that I am not attracted to him, because I am not gay. _'But what about the day I looked at him and found him handsome? What about the day I thought he had a cute smile? What about me asking him not to leave me?'_ The more I think about it, the less comprehensible it is. I obviously need to talk to someone about all this.

But who would I talk to? Evidently, not Touya. Plainly, not the boys. Waya is being more of prick than usual; Isumi is understanding, but would repeat everything to Waya; I don't know Saeki or Honda or any of the others well enough; and I don't trust Ochi, who still resents me for being Touya's rival. I need some feminine expertise on the topic. It has been a long time I haven't seen Akari. I am sure she won't mind helping me. I am going to call her right now and suggest we meet somewhere in town – a coffee shop or a restaurant – and we are going to have a nice friendly talk about… Well, I can't define about what yet, but I am sure it will be clearer, once I describe my thoughts to her.

"Hello, Ms Fujisaki, this is Shindou Hikaru," I introduce myself on the phone, "could I speak with Akari please? Yes, thank you." I wait a few seconds. "Hey, Akari. How are you doing? Yes? Good. What do you say about us going out today? I don't know, I could invite you to drink a coffee or something… What? A date? No, no, it's not a date. What? I promise you, it's not a date at all, I just need to talk to you. Oh… You're dating Mitani? This long already? That's great, congratulations. No, really, it's not a date, it's just… childhood friends meeting for a little talk… Okay? Meet me at three o'clock? Fine. See you then."

I hang up the phone, mystified at what Akari just told me and a bit miffed she didn't tell me sooner. She is dating Mitani for nearly eight months. But then, I don't call her that often too.

We meet in front of her favourite coffee shop on time and go inside without further ado. After all, it is not a date. A waiter ushers us to a table and takes our order. Akari looks at me oddly then states: "You wanted to talk to me, Hikaru?" I nod vaguely. "Then, go on, talk." Her tone is a bit acerbic, but I guess it is my fault. I really don't call her often enough.

"Okay. I have a friend who has a friend… Forget that, Akari, using this kind of ploy is childish and you see through it every time… Let me start again. Some month ago, a person I know got drunk and confessed that h… she loves me and then kissed me… No, no I didn't get hi… her drunk on purpose. You know I wouldn't do that, right? The following day, that person had forgotten everything and thus we decided to stay friends. Except now, I think about it all the time. I notice things I didn't notice before like how I find hi… her face handso… beautiful, how h-her smile is cute… And last time, we had a fight and I was afraid we would never talk ever again and I said something like 'don't leave me' to hi… her. I am sure you and your feminine intuition have a perfectly normal explanation for all this, right?"

I don't think I have ever talked so much to Akari. She still looks at me, but a crooked smile graces her face now. I don't know if it is a very good or a very bad thing.

"You didn't have a crush on _this person_ before that _accidental_ kiss, right?" She asks. I shake my head vehemently. "And now, you think about _this person_ all the time?" I nod emphatically. Trust Akari to understand the situation so well.

"There really is only one explanation." She pauses. "You're in love."

I gawk at her in shock and say: "No, no, not possible. I can't be in love with him. No."

'_Did I just __freaking say "him" right now? Shit, holy shit!'_

"Don't be foolish, Hikaru, you can be in love with a guy. Nowadays, that's not uncommon and that's no big deal." She stands up and takes her purse. "Think about it." She smiles and leaves me completely dazed in the coffee shop.

I don't remember going back home or shutting myself away in my room. I can't stop thinking about what Akari implied. I've known Touya since I was twelve. We are rivals in go, we are friends, but we certainly are not in love. There must be another explanation to everything he did in Innoshima and everything I feel since that day. _'That's rubbish; I'm not in love with Touya…'_

"Hikaru," my mother calls from downstairs, "there's a letter from the Go institute for you. It's not one of those usual card thingies…"

"Coming!" I answer.

The letter pertains to the annual hiking week-end organised by the Go federation. I usually ignore this kind of letter. But today, two days away from the hustle and bustle of Tokyo and away from Touya seem a very good idea. I immediately call the institute to enrol for two days of physical exertion and mind relaxation near Mount Fuji. The lady on the phone is very enthusiastic and explains that not only is hiking on the program, but that the inn accommodating the go professionals has an onsen at our disposal as well. I feel like fate is mocking me when she adds: "Everybody at the institute will be pleased that you and Touya Akira are going this year."

This is just my luck. _'Oh gods, please shoot me…'_


	6. Hiking and onsen

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. All hail the cookie-free author's note.**

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**Hiking and onsen**

The sky is gray and ominous over our little group, as we are hiking one of the well-known paths spiralling around Mount Fuji while the hired guide shows us the way and indicates the various points of interest. Touya and I are walking side by side. I can't think of a single thing to say to him, which sparkles his curiosity as I normally am a bit of a chatterbox.

Ahead of us, Waya, Isumi, Saeki and Ashiwara are talking animatedly about one of the previous games of the former Meijin against some 9-Dan Korean. Despite the fact that one of the opponents is actually Touya's father, he doesn't seem to be interested in joining the exchange. He probably has heard it all in his father's study group.

Tugging at my sleeve, Touya motions me to stay at the back of the group. He begins to whisper.

"What is it, Shindou? You barely said a word since we arrived here, and you said even less since we began walking. So what is it?"

"N-Nothing." I sputter. The situation is preposterous. I can't stop thinking about Akari's words and every time I look at Touya, I find myself colouring lightly at the thought of him kissing me in Innoshima and me eyeing him up since then. "I've been a bit bothered about some conversation I had with Akari… my childhood friend, do you remember her?" At least, it is the truth. I hope he will take the cue and change the subject under discussion.

"Well, what has bothered you so much? Don't you want to talk about it? Even with me?"

'_I don't want to talk about it, certainly not with you.'_

"Look," I exclaim, "the group is way ahead of us. We should catch up before we lose sight of them!" The others are slowly disappearing, following a bend in the road. I suspect they are going back to the inn as rain is threatening to fall down on us.

"Shindou!" Touya uncharacteristically shouts. "Are you trying to get back to me for those weeks of silence I imposed on you? I thought we were back to normal, but now it's your turn to stop speaking to me! How unfair that –" His tirade is stopped by a thunderous crash and a sudden shower of rain which lets us both soaked and speechless.

I glance at Touya whose face is hidden by his wet hair. I hold out my hand and put back one of his drenched locks behind his ear.

"I remember doing that once before, you know." I say sweetly. He is staring at me, his pupils widening slightly. I guess I am a bit entranced at my brazenness and bewitched by his expression as I continue. "It was just after that first game, the one after the bet… Your hair is so soft, it's enticing..."

Touya is looking like a deer stopped dead by the headlamps of an incoming truck. He abruptly takes a step backwards to get away from my hand, but the soil is viscous with water and he loses his balance. He slips on the ground before sliding down the narrow ditch surrounding the road. I can hear him cry out as he is gliding deeper and deeper. I don't hesitate a second before jumping after him.

Thankfully, the fall doesn't hurt him but it gives us both quite a scare. I take his hand to help him climb back and don't let go of it until we are safely back on the path.

We reach back the inn weary and filthy. It is night already. Our travel companions have been worried about us. Ashiwara is frantic when he sees Touya's condition and Waya looks livid.

"You two look like you just crawled out of a cesspit." Isumi announce dryly.

"Ground…muddy…fall… ditch…" Touya rumbles gloomily in a low voice. No one, except me, understands what he says. "The ground was muddy and I fell into a ditch." He repeats louder.

"And you had to go after him, Shindou. The things you do for someone as queer as Touya… I just don't understand…" Waya smirks in disdain.

"Shut it, Waya!" I yell, hurt by the double entendre.

Waya leers and says: "What a waste of time. I'm not even sure little delicate Touya was worth the trouble."

"He is worth the trouble!" I retort angrily. "He's my best friend!" I go on, growling. "I'm not even sure I would have gone after you though." I leave the hall before saying something to Waya I would be sorry about later.

Back into my room, I strip out of my clothes and use a towel to dry my bleached bangs. I am jaded by my rescue of Touya, furious at Waya and his gross scuttlebutts and confused at my own behaviour. I call the reception desk and lie about my age in order to have them bring me a couple of beer bottles. I am so agitated that I can't sleep, so a few beers might have a soporific effect.

However, it doesn't work and I am soon pacing back and forth in my room like a lion in a cage. Maybe a soak would improve my disposition. I head out for the bathhouse, wrapped in my towel. A secluded spot to think about today's events is indeed welcome.

As I am getting rid of the towel and entering the hot waters, I glimpse Touya immersed in a remote corner. I bow my head and ask him if I can stay. He agrees with a curt nod. We relax in companionable silence for a while. After a moment, I muse aloud upon the subject of given names and how come we hardly ever use them despite being friends. None of us see Waya entering the room, gazing at us, sitting on a bench and listening intently to our chat.

"I have never called you by your given name, Shindou. Ever." Touya claims.

"You did once." I contradict him. "When you said you loved me, you called me Hikaru. Of course you were drunk…"

Touya flushes. "Don't talk about that."

I scoot closer to him and observe him closely. "You do remember now, don't you?"

Touya's face gets redder and he repeats: "Don't talk about that."

Maybe it is the effect the beers have on me, but I feel bold tonight. I move from sitting beside him to floating in front of him and take his hands in mine to pin them on the wall of the pool. I press my body against his. He can smell the beer on my breath.

"Stop it, Shindou, you're drunk!" He protests.

I straddle his thighs, brush my lips against his ear before licking its shell and murmurs: "Say these words again…"

As he stays silent, I place my mouth over his and nibble at his lower lip with glee. I am rewarded by a low moan. But Touya disrupts the mood.

"Don't." He pleads. "Don't do this, Hikaru. Please don't do this, you're going to regret it in the morning. So please don't."

"Then say these words again, Akira…" I reply breathlessly.

It seems to me that he won't say anything to me tonight, but I am intoxicated by the closeness of our bodies. I search his mouth with mine and kiss him gently. I lick his upper lip as my hands free his and stroke his sides. My hands trail from his shoulders to his hips and he whimpers at my touch. My fingers explore his stomach before caressing his chest. I am deliciously aroused and pinch one of his nipples. He cries softly, opening his mouth enough for my tongue to go in.

Waya witness the scene through the steam. He is open-mouthed while the consequences register in his mind. It isn't a horny Touya trying to seduce Shindou, but Shindou trying to beguile Touya. Maybe he hasn't been a very good friend lately. No wonder Shindou hasn't confided in him.

Touya and I kiss in earnest before he puts his hands on my chest and pushes me away.

"You're drunk, Shindou. You can't turn me on like this, because you will have forgotten everything tomorrow morning. I won't say these words to you, because you will forget them too… You should go back to your room and sleep. You won't remember when you wake up."

"Somehow, I doubt it." I smile at him ruefully, get out of the bath to get my towel and head back to my room. I'm thinking to myself: _'Gods help me if I didn't do the right thing…'_


	7. I want to hear these words again

**DISCLAIMER: Hikaru no Go and its characters belong to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi.**

**WARNINGS: Sequel to "The Long Awaited Confession". No spoilers per se, but might be a bit difficult to understand if you didn't read the manga or didn't see the anime. Language – from our dear Hikaru, maybe others – possible underage drinking again and mild boy on boy theme. Or maybe not so mild, depending on my mood.**

**A/N: I apologize for any errors, discrepancies, inaccuracies or mistakes for they are all mine, as this work is unbeta'd. Reviews are ****really**** appreciated. And MalaikaNina deserves a double-chunk chocolate cookie for writing the first review. Thank you.**

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**I want to hear the****se words again**

'_I love you, Hikaru.'_ I hear the bathhouse door shut. I wait a few seconds to be sure to be out of earshot. I don't want Shindou to hear this. Then I let my head fall back on the shiny tiles of the bath and whisper the words he was asking for.

"I love you…"

I step unhurriedly out of the hot bath, my body shaking. I stagger a bit and grab my towel before tying it around my waist. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted by both the ordeals I have faced today. As I lift my head, my eyes meet Waya's who is standing in the corner of the room. My heart plummets. It seems today's hardships are not yet at an end as he moves toward me. I close my eyes.

"Not now, Waya." My voice is quivering. "Please not now."

I can feel his arm thrown over my shoulder. I can't help but wonder if he has witnessed what has just happened. If so, will he hit me? Strangle me? Drown me?

"Maybe I have misjudged you, Touya." He says in a low voice. "I have never liked you, but maybe this time, my opinion of you was too hasty. Nonetheless let me tip you off, right here and right now. Shindou is a dear friend of mine; hell, he's more than a friend, he's like a little brother to me. So be warned, if you break his heart, I'll break your neck…"

He lets go of my shoulder and gets out of the bathhouse leisurely. Suddenly, the extent of today's events is too much for me to bear and I slump heavily on the floor. I despise myself for feeling so weak, but as I am finally alone, I guess how its looks like doesn't matter much.

I make it back to my room and slip into the yukata provided by the inn without bothering tying the waistband. I unfold the futon, make the bed for the night and snuggle under the covers. I try to will myself to sleep, not to avail. I doze off late in the night, drifting in and out of a fitful sleep. A particular dream jolts me awake as dawn is near. The vivid images of Shindou – stroking my hair, kissing me, petting me, fondling me – are overwhelming me. I can almost feel the touch of his naked body against mine.

I close my eyes and try to calm my ragging breath, when I hear a light knock on my door. I don't answer. I don't want to answer, as I am pretty sure it is Shindou. The door is cracking open, a bleach-banged head peering inside.

"Touya, you awake?" He whispers.

"Do you realise it is not well-mannered for you to enter a room before being invited to, Shindou, nor is it polite to wake up someone at dawn?" I answer more sharply than I intend.

"I think we need to talk…" He replies and my heart crashes down in my chest. My thoughts are swirling and none of them are good. _'He doesn't remember…' 'He remembers and regrets it…' 'He remembers and blames me for it…'_ I can't think of a positive outcome, so I turn my back to him and say: "I don't really want to talk right now. You should go back to your room and maybe we'll talk at a decent hour." Tears are stinging my eyes but I will not cry over this. This is so cliché to cry over unrequited love.

"Don't push me away, Akira… Please, don't push me away." I stay silent despite his use of my given name but it doesn't deter him to go on. "I wasn't drunk last night. I had a couple of beers and maybe I was a bit buzzed, but I wasn't drunk. I remember…" I can hear him getting closer and feel him sitting on the edge on my futon. "Akira… Akira, I remember…" I don't make a sound. I will wait for him to say something, anything that will give me a clue about how he feels.

"I like the feeling of your hair in my hand. I like the taste of your lips; you taste like cherry. I like how comfortable I feel with you. I like being your rival in go and your friend in life. I even like how we shout at each other like kids when we try to analyse our games. I like everything about you…" He pauses.

I have a lump in my throat. A single tear is trailing down my cheek. I don't want to answer yet. I want him to tell me more. I hear him sigh.

"Akira… I don't know if you understand but the only thing I think about every hour of every day is you. When I play go, I think about you criticising my sloppy moves and it helps me getting better. When I want to eat ramen, I think about you chiding me for my terrible eating habits. When I use swear words, I think about you telling me that I have no manners. I have no idea how it came to this, but the only thing on my mind is you all the time." He pauses again.

I don't say anything yet. _'I love you, Hikaru, but it's your move now…'_

"You didn't want to say these words to me again last night… I would love to hear you say these words again, because a drunken confession is not good enough… But I suppose it's my turn, right? So look at me, Akira." He puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me to him. I can only look at his mouth as he pronounces these fateful words.

"I love you…"

Maybe we should have realised that staying late in bed in my room was not such a good idea. Shindou is lying on top of me, nuzzling against my neck, one of his knees prying my legs open. The hem of my yukata barely covers my groin. Both of Shindou's hands are on my uncovered chest and his lips are sucking hard on the junction between my throat and my collarbone, leaving a purple hickey on my pale skin. Both my hands are gripping the covers as I moan in delight at the erotic sensations building up in my body.

We don't hear the door clicking open. We don't see Ashiwara gaping at the sight of our flushed bodies, but I blench when I hear Waya sniggers: "Told you so…" The door is slammed shut, leaving us alone once more.

"What the fuck are we going to do now, Akira?" Shindou whispers, once the shock subsides.

"Language, Hikaru! You have no manners…" I deadpan.

I am well rewarded when Shindou, grinning widely at my usual statement, gives me a light peck on the mouth.


End file.
